I haven’t been on in a while, I thought it was best that I took myself off the grid for a while. It’s very hard for me to explain who I was before, but I am not scared anymore, and I’m not afraid to tell you who I am today. Is it for pity? No….Is it for sympathy? No….but maybe somewhere, there is someone else who is waking up feeling like they can’t go on anymore. I have been there. I battled an illness that left me with low self- esteem, depression, and it can be debilitating. Who was I before? I will not say my life was perfect, but I was able to be independent, spontaneous, and flirtatious. I had lived high on life, materials were more important than anything, partying was the way I lived my life. I made many mistakes along the way, but my life was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.
But the day the doctor confirmed me with BAM and IBS – D, I realized my life would never be the same ever again. I was once the person who had no empathy for the ones who complained of digestive aliments or aches and pains and I remember saying “It’s all in their head”. They just want something to complain about. They are just hooked on medicines because there isn’t anything wrong with them. But then I became the person I laughed about. All that was given to me was a diagnosis that didn’t come from a test and no solution as to why I became sick. Did I have a nervous breakdown? Did I catch a bug that destroyed my gut? Did I over work my body when I excessively was working out? Did the diet I was eating decided to mess up my gut? How can one become sick but yet have no reason of how that came to be? What some people don’t realize is that when you receive a diagnosis, usually people like myself try to find solutions, they over think things. Our brain is thinking, if I can figure this out, then I can go back to normal and get back to my life. The one we had before, because the life I have been living, has been hell. But until you wake up one day, racing to the restroom, not being able to leave the house, not being able to work without the fear of being sick, until that day….you will never ever understand. In the meantime, you find yourself depressed and it feels like nothing will ever be the same. You feel alone, that you don’t have anyone. People say they are there for you, but they are not because you can’t see anything in front of you. You fear of being deserted, you’re scared that when you do see, everyone will be gone. Tired of you always being sick and will move on without you. You begin to not see yourself as being selfish but of being miserable. Every day when you are alone, you cry. You hide all this pain on the inside so when everyone sees you, your smiling. They do not see how broken you are inside. How much you hate yourself and how much you hate others for living a life you only dream of. Then one day you collapse to your knees thinking this is it. I don’t want to live like this anymore. While lying there, it seemed like it took forever and then it felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. Just when I wanted it over, a song came to my memory. “By the Grace of God” Katy Perry. I remember standing in my room and in the back yard was a red cardinal. That was the day I said to myself, I have to fight this.
There are many things I am realizing. Things are not always going to go the way I would like. People are not always going to like me and that is okay. I cannot depend on others to make me happy. People are going to hurt my feelings, but that’s okay because I don’t have to allow them too. People have their opinions and that is okay too. What I used to dream of is gone. It died the day I laid there wishing for all the things I couldn’t have. After I seen the cardinal, I remembered my best friend who told me all the time how beautiful I was. Finally after days of overthinking again, I realized I wanted to change some things in my life. I wanted to love myself. In order to love myself, I was going to have to make some changes. I know that praying, has kept me going. But aside from praying and asking God to help heal me, I was going to ask him for something different. To heal my heart and to help me find peace. I needed his guidance to help me stay positive and not lose focus. But most of all, I wanted to show others that they too are important. Then I figured out something I had wished I realized sooner.
I will not sit here and consider myself a minimalist but yet I love there thinking. They live simple, enjoy having less, and enjoy life! This is who I want to be. I want nothing but peace! Throw all my hurt away and forgive, to move past all the hurt that everyone has caused me so that I can move on. Slowly, my plan is to cut the things I own in half. Eliminate as much as I can because if I ever need to pick up and go, I can. I want to declutter everything in my life. But making myself happy and loving myself I will do first. No one will be able to do this, I can only do this myself. I will rise to the top! No one will hold me down. I will not be here because I feel that other people need me, I will be here because I have a purpose and only God knows what that is.
Goals, what’s that? It’s something that one person decides he must do to accomplish the things he either wants or needs to do.
1.) I will love myself again
2.) I will declutter my life and possessions
3.) I will live simple
4.) I will not let others harm my well being
5.) I will only allow peace and kindness, toxic people will not be tolerated
6.) I will wake each morning and be thankful
7.) I will do my best to help someone smile if they are in need
8.) I will enjoy the little things and breathe
9.) I will not hang onto things or people who no longer want or need me
I will let the old me go…….it no longer lives here anymore. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I will write the story to my life.