My spells

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I am not sure what they will find out March 22nd. I really hope for answers, I need answers. My spells mimic the very same symptoms of food poisoning. However, I know it’s not food poisoning because who the hell gets food poisoning at least 12 times a year. Right??? That is what I am saying. But when you get to hospital, they look at you like they are sincere, but after a while, and after many poking with needles and many tests and x rays, they come back and say the exact same thing as last time. “Well I remember when you was last in here, that you are experiencing the same thing. Your liver looks good, heart looks great and your blood pressure is stable.” I am like what??? It wasn’t stable at home! I got dizzy, I almost passed out. Something isn’t right. My liver??? I have fatty liver disease, are you sure that’s not making me sick? That’s not it. No I say….that’s not normal either. Don’t sit there and tell me that everything is fine. I don’t feel fine. So they just talk to me like I am stupid, well you do have Bile Salt Malabsorption and IBS, maybe that is what is causing this problem. NO, NO, NO!! You simply don’t throw up till you feel like your dying, diarrhea and muscle cramps (Charlie horse) feelings in your gut and tell me it’s that. I won’t even begin to tell you about my menstrual cycle! It always seems to make everything worse. One does not simply wake up one day and be sick like this without a reasonable explanation and I have always thought that once they stick you in a classification of IBS it’s because they do not know what is wrong with you. It’s like they quit trying to find the actual cause to your illness. They are the one’s who went to school, they should know how to fix you. Not mask you with a thousand pills that clearly is giving you side effects to them as well… now you have a new freaking problem.

I read this online today, and this hasn’t felt any truer. I know that my problem could be worse, however no matter how small this might seem to some, it’s debilitating. I feel like I can’t live the life to the fullest potential. “The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” Author unknown. I am not saying that suicide is something I have thought about, because I have so much to live for. But, there are times when I am sick that I either think I am going to die because the pain is unreal or I wish God would just get it over with, this isn’t the way I should have to live. The embarrassment is there, not being able to physically take care of yourself because you are that sick. I can handle diarrhea. But what I can’t handle is wondering when the next time I eat, will I get so sick, that I am throwing up and if I am far from home, how will I get home. I won’t even mention the fear I have over losing my job if I miss too many days. I hear this happening a lot and I have been at my job for 15 years. I have always been dependable. This….makes me not feel dependable.

Today, driving to the store with my son, it’s a gorgeous 73 degrees and I see motorcyclists out riding and enjoying the beautiful day, people out riding their bikes and walkers with their dogs out for a stroll, enjoying this amazing warm day and I am jealous. Seriously!! I hate how they can enjoy their day, like nothing is wrong. I hate that they can go for a motorcycle ride without being in fear, that their stomach will cause issues and that they will need to get home fast. I hate how I can’t compare prices, or just look at things in stores without my stomach starting to rumble and I am questioning myself if I should run to the restroom, o wait….I have a cart of stuff…what do I do with this now? How many other people need to know the location of every bathroom so that when your stomach gives you that warning, you can race to the bathroom and o crap…what the hell, they are cleaning the bathroom. Now where do I go?

I just want my life back, before I ended up with stomach issues. Some days I simply don’t think I can do this. There are days when I am great. My life is lived simple, work and home. To be anywhere else is scary. I take one day at a time, and I always am prepared. It’s just how we live!

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