I sit in chair by the window watching the birds fly from tree to tree and wonder why my life is so screwed up. I wish at the moment I was a bird, so I could fly away and hide from the nightmare my life has become. I feel like I have two personalities and one is fake and one is real. To everyone I see, it’s like applying makeup to hide the blemishes but the smile is fake. By myself I want to destruct and tear up everything we built together. The lies you told me, the promises you made and broke, the abandonment. I think back in time and try to come to grips how and why and when it happened. I was so happy, doing what needed to be done so we could relocate to a new place and find peace. Losing dad in 2018 was so hard. But I thought we would overcome the heartache. But today, I sit here listening to Avril Lavigne – I Fell in Love With the Devil. That is exactly what happened. Loving you has been hard. Loving someone with bipolar is destructive on my own self esteem. While you didn’t hit me, the words spoken, lack of empathy and how you made me feel, slowly destroyed every good thing about myself. So many times I thought that it was my fault, but the only fault I had was loving you.
Few months ago I thought my life was perfect. A 26 year friendship, 21 of which we were together like a couple. We had rough patches, but nothing like this. But what do you do when you realize the person you loved, is not the person he truly was? Apparently he had demons that I knew nothing about. Our house money is gone, 10,000 gone in a month and a half. Call girls, women who sell themselves to men and women so they can make a living instead of working a real job. With no care in the world they are destroying families. Many of these girls are 20, 21 and up to 25. Seems like the one’s he hangs with are all on Heroin and other drugs. You are who you hang with has always been my theory.
Who am I anymore? I have built a brick wall on my heart and I don’t know if I will ever overcome the pain and the heartache. What have I done wrong? Am I too fat? Am I not pretty enough? My whole world is crashing down and I try to hang on but feel my fingers slipping. How can I love someone so much that after 26 years, the way I loved him then, I still love him today. My brain overthinks, my anxiety is extreme and some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I just want the world to STOP. I do realize I am blessed because I do have a lot of good friends, but why do I feel so damn alone? I am so lost and as I look out the window watching those birds, I just wish I could feel that kind of freedom. I want the pain to go, who would of thought a broken heart would feel so shattered. I am so tired of feeling. I hate wondering what your doing or who you are with.
Hey everyone, I know it’s been awhile and I haven’t been on but as you can see I have changed a lot on my blog page. No more book reviews which was fun at the time but I deleted everything and started it over. I was in a bad place where all I saw was failure and was disappointed by everything. I was negative and at that moment, I was just surviving. That’s it, period…just surviving. I battled health issues with BAM & IBS -D and some of my family made comments that I was a hypochondriac and it made me feel like I was losing my mind and had no friends. I would cancel doing things, because I was scared to go anywhere but home. My anxiety was high and all this chaos was causing my stomach issues to become worse. I lost my dog in 2017, it was a super sad time for me. We done a lot of things together and walked a lot of trails. She developed bone cancer at 12 years and it was the first time I had to sign papers for euthanasia. My kids lost a wonderful grandpa who was my father in law in 2018. My life was a constant struggle and I became even more depressed about everything that was going on in my life. I felt like I had no one, felt like nothing could get me out of this hole. I had relationship issues with my daughter, my younger son who also was battling some demons was failing. We got in a fight, he stopped going to school and I couldn’t make him live at home because he was 17 and considered an adult. My life was one complete mess. Then one day I came across a podcast called “Rise Together” it was about a couple named Rachel & Dave Hollis and boy did it hit home. I found a whole new world besides reading, it was PODCASTS. Wow!!! So I quickly go to my facebook and I look up Rachel Hollis and find all kinds of stuff. I realize she has a Morning Show and I binged watched those video’s, read all her posts, started a Start of the Day Journal, and I started to realize something as she brought me out of the ashes. Her sassy positive self showed me that others didn’t define who I was. That even though I had my own demons, my own sadness and failures and that even though I felt like I was nobody, I could very well be somebody. She is my inspiration today. Right now as I sit here and type this, if I could sit down with someone and let them know how much they were my hero, my inspiration and who helped me become better, it would be Rachel. She got me going in the mornings, she kept me going in the mornings, even on days I didn’t want to get out of bed, she did it!!! I have a best friend too, who helped me through a lot even when she, herself, had so many bad things going on in her life. I woke up in 2019 and made a vision board, I’m into day 14 of my journal and now, I have goals. Today I am not just surviving, but I am living. I am trying to stay positive, some days I struggle, but not as much as I used to. I am finding out who I am, how to like being me and how to love again. I just needed that push. This was my written declaration by myself about how I wanted this year to be. I know there will be mountains, some bigger then others. Not every day will be perfect but I will find what I am grateful for as much as possible.
Two words I’m bringing with me into the “New Year 2019”. Relentless & Resilient. These are gonna be my favorite words every day! Relentless because giving up isn’t an option. I know I can get back up and keep moving forward even if they are small steps I can achieve anything. Resilient because keeping a positive attitude will keep me optimistic about the future and things that have yet to come. This is the first chapter of my life. While it may be hard for me to do, being able to regulate my emotions can help me overcome many obstacles and including fear. Fear of the future, fear of my plans, my goals and the fear of failing. Failure is about learning and finding feedback that can be helpful. So you can turn failure into success! As I read in “Girl, Wash Your Face” this is quoted in Rachel Hollis’s book she gets credit for this – “Those dreams you have for yourself are not silly; they are the road map to your divine calling! Don’t sit this one out. Don’t let someone else’s opinion of YOU determine your worth. Don’t miss out on the chance to live the life of incredible possibility in front of YOU”.